


as loud as my heart

by pendules



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 09:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3604782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're supposed to love things you can't have. He's supposed to be one of those things. But he's not, he's right there, saying, <i>You can have it all</i>, and you don't know what to do with it, with him. Nothing in your life has prepared you for this."</p><p>Adam figures it out, with some help from his friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	as loud as my heart

You kiss him first, because you have to. Because he would probably never tell you, and never kiss you, and you can't go on like that anymore. You couldn't bear it for a second more. Couldn't bear looking at him, knowing what he wants, knowing that he knows _you_ know, and looking away again. There just comes a time — a time when it hurts a little too much to not know what it feels like.

You still don't know, after that, not completely. He doesn't pull away, like maybe you thought he would, like maybe he knows, knows that you aren't quite _there_ yet, and maybe it's wrong, maybe it's not time. He just says, " _Fuck_ , Adam," and pulls you closer, and you bite down on his lip, run your fingers up his back, and take your time, exploring with your tongue and hands and mind, because you don't know if you'll get another chance. 

Don't know if your own uncertainty will rob you of that.

*

It's hard pulling away, you don't want it to end, you don't want to look at him, you don't want to see questions in his eyes, questions you don't know the answers to.

"You're not just fucking with me, are you?" You think he sounds slightly hopeful, but you don't know which response he's looking for. It's not just _your_ world you've totally turned upside down.

You shake your head, feeling unsteady on your feet. You sit down on his bed, clench your hands into fists, because you don't know what to do with them, all that excess adrenaline flowing through your veins. You think it's the first time you really understand Ronan and his racing, his fighting.

"You okay?" he says, and looks at once like he wants to touch you and like he's afraid to.

You don't know how to answer that question either. So you do the next best thing: you start laughing at him.

"This is crazy," you say when you finally stop. He's just staring at you now. "You're actually driving me crazy."

"I'm not… _doing_ anything."

You kind of want to scream now. You want to drag him into his bed and never let him go. You want to make him mad so he stops looking at you, so confused and helpless, and tells you what the fuck you're supposed to do now.

But he won't, because that would be too easy, and this is Ronan Lynch. And if he weren't, none of this would even be happening right now.

"I just — I need time. And space," you say, surprising yourself, because that actually makes some sort of sense. 

"Oh, okay," and fuck, it's not what he thinks at all.

"No, no, not like _that_. I just, if I stay here, with you, I'll just kiss you again and I can't _think_ when I'm kissing you, so I'll — I'll just go now. Bye."

You stop to wrap your fingers around Ronan's wrist, gently squeeze at his pulse point for a second, before leaning in to kiss him on the cheek.

You don't look back as you walk through the door, away from him.

*

You talk to Blue first, because she should understand, somehow, and maybe she still sees more than you could. You're both outsiders, observers of people, but it's hard for you to get that kind of distance from this right now.

You sit on the front step of 300 Fox Way, and she's just playing with her yogurt and not actually eating it. Maybe she's thinking that Gansey should be here to finish off the fruit bits. And that's not — that's not what you and Ronan have, you know. You don't think about him all the time like that, don't miss him like a physical ache. Maybe it's because there's a part of Ronan that's always with you, because somehow, you know Ronan's always going to be there when you're far enough outside of yourself to need him. It's kind of odd that someone like Ronan Lynch has become a permanent point to you, Ronan who chases death and brings nightmares to life. Ronan's the only home you have left now. Realising this isn't as life-altering as it probably should be.

"Something happened with me and Ronan." It's easier to say than you'd thought it would be.

She just nods, considers, with a total lack of surprise.

"Do you love him?" she asks.

Another question with no answer. It's starting to feel like there's nothing else making up your life now.

"I don't know. It isn't that simple."

She raises one eyebrow at you. "Are you really going to complain to _me_ about complicated romantic entanglements?"

"Do you love Gansey?" you counter, trying to simplify it, detach it from prophecy and death, and you both already know the answer.

She sighs. "It's just so — _expected_. I hate being expected."

"Nothing about you is expected, Blue. Even in a house full of psychics." You kind of envy her that. Like you envy Ronan.

Nothing about you-and-him is expected either. He's not supposed to love you. He's supposed to love fast cars and dream-things and the smell of gasoline, the sound of flesh on flesh; he's not supposed to love broken boys covered in bruises and grease and dirty reality.

You're supposed to love things you can't have. He's supposed to be one of those things. But he's not, he's right there, saying, _You can have it all_ , and you don't know what to do with it, with him. Nothing in your life has prepared you for this.

*

You haven't seen him in a week, and you don't know if that makes it easier or harder.

On Sunday, you sneak out when you know he's already downstairs and go to Monmouth.

Gansey's lying next to his model of Henrietta, glasses on, book held above his face. You wonder if he's been there all night, lost track of time. 

You sit cross-legged on the floor as he sits up to look at you.

"You look terrible," he says, just a casual observation.

"Sleep and doubt don't mix, it seems." Gansey doesn't sleep because of his obsession; Ronan has his dangerous talent. You used to fall asleep thinking about how you'd word your favour from Glendower. Now, you just lie awake all night, thinking of things you'll say to Ronan. Things you'll never say to Ronan.

"What going on with you and Ronan?" Gansey asks, just as casually.

"Something," you agree.

"Oh, that's — well, I hope it's something good?"

You haven't even gotten around to asking yourself that yet.

 _Do you love him?_ Yes. _Can we go back from this?_ Yes. _Do you want to go back? Do you want this?_ All considered. But not, _Is this good?_

"Does it matter?"

Gansey's eyes narrow slightly. "What do you mean? Of course it does."

"I mean, I'm going to leave. For college and then who knows. Or Ronan's going to do something majorly dick-ish, because it's Ronan, and then what? Or he'll realise that I'm still _me_ , and I still care about all those other things more than I do about him, and he'll just —" _Leave me_ , you don't say. "Maybe it'll be good for a while, but eventually, eventually, it's still me, and it's still him."

You feel like every part of you is screaming out your worst fear, and it's, _I don't want to hurt him._

Gansey has on his studious face now, only it's directed at you and not leather-bound books of Welsh lore.

"You know, I used to think maybe I'd get the old Ronan back someday. But that Ronan doesn't exist anymore. Part of him died when his father did. And you can't just take parts of people; you have to take all of them. Otherwise, it's not real."

"You think he'd take all of me if I showed him?" And that's the real question, the one you've been too afraid to even think about answering.

"I think he already has."

*

You get back when Mass is over, and you watch him ignore Declan and do his special handshake with Matthew.

It's funny, you've never thought about them, about Gansey and Blue and Ronan, as your family until right in this moment.

"Can we talk?" 

Ronan nods and you lead him upstairs.

Ronan never looks out of place in your apartment, but he never looks out of place anywhere he goes. He's the kind of chameleon you always wished you were, adapting to places and people but never changing who he is. The Ronan that knows you and loves you is still the real Ronan, not some other person he's pretending to be or wishes he could be.

The person who could love Ronan is somewhere inside you, calling out, trying to make himself heard.

"Do you see me?"

Ronan nods. "Yeah, I see you." So simple, but it means everything. Means he knows, he really knows, he never would have let you kiss him if he didn't. But he also knows that you had to discover it for yourself.

"I want — I want all of this, all of you. Maybe one day I'll feel like I deserve it." 

"Is that your final answer?"

"You're the only answer I need," you tell him, his breath ghosting over your lips.


End file.
